I'm a vegetarian… but, that's only because my girl can cook. If she left, I'd try and eat the cat in the morning, chasing him over the settee with two slices of rye bread. But what if she took the cat, then what? In half an hour, I'd be standing naked on a street corner somewhere, clasping half a plastic fork, eating Homebrand custard out of a homeless man's mouth, selling swear words to school children. I can't cook! Who even knows how to make rye bread?
The only reason I know it exists is because I saw a man at the Farmers’ Markets using it to hammer in nails. The people that work at the Farmers’ Markets are the worst advert for organic food you'll ever see in your life. Don’t they eat their own Produce? I usually spend about five minutes checking the ripeness of a cauliflower before I realise it's the stall vendor’s face. I'll buy your strawberries mate! But only if you haven't touched them…No visit to the Farmers’ Markets would be complete without drop kicking the fire twirler on the way out. Fire twirlers are amazing. They can juggle everything… except life... So, if you ever end up dating a cat-wielding vegetarian, just be happy that you have the choice, A lot of people don’t get to choose who they end up with, they have to take whatever they can get. They must look at their partner like the cardboard at the end of the toilet roll... I either use this, or my hand.
I’m an Irish stand-up comedian. I grew up in Co. Derry before moving to Australia. I was a Queensland state finalist in the ‘RAW Comedy Competition 2011’ and have appeared as a supporting actor in a few well-known Australian television series.